A good attempt at writing about a difficult topic. Your word count was low at only 172 words. For the essay in Task 2 of the IELTS Test the word count is 250 words and carries 60% of the marks for the writing part of the test.
Your errors were varied in this essay so take a look at my suggested corrections so that you can see what needed to be changed. I also wasn’t sure what you meant by …are taken top level…perhaps think of another phrase to use.
You used very good words and phrases such as: ‘maintains’, ‘international connections and friendships’, ‘unexpected times’, ‘not practicable’. You also had very few verb tense errors which was great.
For your next essay plan a little more and think of the various opinions and ideas you could mention in the essay to add more detail and without repeating the same thoughts so that you can get to the 250-word count easily.
My feedback is below. The first document (Edited Version) has the editing marks so that you can try and correct your work yourself. The second document (Corrected Version) is the corrected version so that you can see the corrections I have suggested.